Better Days Ahead

I was walking home from Tesco earlier today, and I realised how much I've changed. I believe I've changed for the better.

Looking back at my two years in Intec and two years in uni, I feel utterly grateful for the opportunities and chances I've taken (and of course it was all His plan).

If you've been reading my blog for quite some time, you might remember I once wrote a post about my past haunting me -- about how I cried when I was asked to do a simple favour.

I was not quite sure (and still am) of why I was feeling that way, but I remember feeling very scared when I first came to the UK. I wasn't afraid when I was with my friends, I was afraid when I was alone.

That feeling of uncertainty, loneliness -- it was as if I was left in the dark in a huge room, not knowing what to do, or where to go. It didn't occurred to me to switch on the lights or to go out of the room, because I couldn't. I knew I couldn't. I thought I couldn't.

Later when classes began to start, I pushed myself to go to the bus stop alone, wait for the bus alone, go to classes alone, and return home alone.

Then I thought to myself, everything turns out to be normal. Nothing bad happened, no one judged me, everything is actually fine -- as long as I know where to go, which route to take, which bus stop to go.

But then came a day where my housemates asked me to go to Tesco. That was my first time ever of buying groceries alone and I had to admit, I almost cried. I knew the route, yes. I knew what to buy, yes. So what's the problem, you may be asking?

It was the fact that I had to meet people and possibly talk to them scared me. Communicating with people, being in touch with them -- I just feel so insecure.

I didn't know how I managed to go through that first time, but somehow I did it.

Back in Malaysia, I was never the one to talk to people, and my mother would never let me go alone, which I think is probably one of the reasons why I was so afraid.

But most importantly I think what I experienced during Form 2 was the major cause. I was pushed away, I was judged -- which I guess made me feel insecure in a way. I didn't realised how that bitter memory would affect me so much.

Now that I give it a thought, what I experienced during my college days was probably a panic attack. My first ever panic attack. I remember how much I cried, how trembled my hands were, how much I wanted the day to end.

And so I am very proud of myself for being able to survive in a foreign country thousand of miles away from my family. I believe I am so much better than I was during secondary school and college.

Of course I don't feel completely confident. There are times I still feel afraid. Insecure? Yes, I don't think that one would ever go away. But at least I'm trying, baby steps at a time.

Better days ahead, inshaAllah.