Overcoming Your Fears - Not

I just experienced one of the worst feelings ever.

Tikah asked me to do a simple task while she and Hanna went to the gym to play badminton, and I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready for it.

I thought she was kidding at first. Idk, maybe she was testing me? But she really did take the racket with her, and she wore her sports shoes. I thought to myself, 'Darn'.

After she left, I sat on my bed, thinking. I then decided to get ready and then sit on my bed, thinking again.

'You can do this, Hanani. You've experienced this before.'

But suddenly I remembered everything. What happened, what I had to go through, and how it affected me. I cried.

I thought of asking someone to go with me, accompany me at least, but Shaz was not here, not even most of my classmates. I then remembered Syahmi, but he said he didn't feel like going out. 'It's okay', I said to myself, feeling a bit disappointed.

I went out eventually, and I decided to stop by the gym. It took me a few minutes to decide whether I should go to the gym or not. I stood in front of the door, and I heard laughter. 'Shoot, I don't want to disturb them. They're having so much fun.'

I wandered outside the gym, thinking 'to enter or not to enter'. I cried again.

I eventually twisted the doorknob and peeked inside. My classmate Jieha was there too, playing badminton with Hanna while Tikah was warming up.

Tikah asked me have I done it. I shooked my head, still trying to control my emotions. I sat down on one of the chairs, trying to calm myself down. Tikah asked, 'Are you okay?' I lied and said that it was just the heat in the gym.

One fact about me: I don't like to show emotions in front of people, especially crying.

Hanna and Jieha came over, greeted me and asked the same question. They said I looked pale. Out of all things, I didn't expect to look pale. I mean, I didn't think it could be that worse. Again, I just said I was okay.

But I'm not good at hiding my emotions. They asked me multiple times, 'Are you okay? Nani, are you okay?' I nodded and nodded but tears began to stream down my face. I don't want to tell them anything, I don't want to let them know.

But I kept crying. I cried and cried. Like a big fat baby I cried.

I eventually told them and they apologised. I was the one who should apologise. I felt so childish, that I can't even do a simple task.

It never happened to me before. Usually I'd tell myself to have courage and be confident, and everything would go well. Not this time.

And they say what kills you makes you stronger. Not.

I guess the past is still haunting me.