#1.5

Wednesday. April 14, 2015. [Re-posted from Instagram]

Someone told me that 'pain is temporary'. To me, there are some situations where pain is forever. The pain that I felt seven years ago, I can still feel it now. It's not the kind that you would feel everyday, but the kind where it hurts when you think about it.

Seven years ago, I wish someone would hug me and tell me everything's okay. But even if someone did, I wouldn't understand. But you have to realise, all you can do about it is to move on. And when I say move on, I do not mean forget everything. That person is your past, and never, ever let go of your past. That person will still (and always) be a part of you, no matter what. Move on with your life, focus on your goals and future. I'm sure that person would be so proud if you succeed.

And let me tell you, it's okay to look back and cry. And it is certainly okay to not be strong.

Al-fatihah.

Silver Lining

Just a quick update: I got a placement in my Insurance university which is the University of Essex, alhamdulillah. :D

We were in a middle of our BTN camp when the results were out, which is a half-blessing-half-curse kind of situation. Blessing because we were there together, having each others' backs. Curse because we were there together, so we'd know everyone's results. Lol.

I initially did not want to check my results on that day. It was a Thursday and we will be having our BTN test the next day. I didn't want my results to get in the way, because knowing myself, I would think about my results all the time.

I made a promise with Shaz that we would check our results the next day, but that evening she came to me crying. I honestly thought she already checked her results, but it turned out that she was just overwhelmed with what was going on around us (everyone checking their results, some with happy faces, some not etc). She said her mother wanted to know her results, so she was asking for my permission because she didn't want to break our promise.

Haih la, Shaz. :')

I told her it's okay, and apologised too because that was probably a stupid promise lol. It was just a small matter so I wouldn't mind if she checked her results anyway.

After she checked hers, I had this feeling inside me that I wanted to check mine too. Punyalah gagah tak nak check, until Ainaa told me, "Check jelah, nanti kau tahu jugak".

So yeah I checked straight away. I didn't get my Firm university which is the University of Warwick. To be really honest, I was disappointed. Of course I was, it was pretty much my dream uni.

But at the same time I kind of expected that I'll be rejected, that I couldn't make it.

Told my parents about it and all my dad ever cared was my grades, of course. My Economics grade, to be specific because that's the only subject 'yang cacat' on my results slip lol. But what to do. *sigh* I did try my best.

I always believe in Allah's plan for me. I believe there's always a silver lining within all of this. But it's not until a few days ago that I truly believe in Allah's plan.

I now do believe that Warwick is not the right uni for me. It's too high, I can't get a grasp of it, not even close. Essex is more suitable because it's just right. It's there, right in front of me. Might as well I grab it before it's gone.

Mixed feelings, definitely, but I also cannot wait to know what's in stores for me in the UK. :)

Wish me luck (I'll be having my visa appointment next week) and please pray for all my friends. May Allah ease our affairs, wherever we are. :)

Hanani x

Depressed?

Ummmm where do I start? First of all, I apologise for 'locking up', making my blog private. I didn't feel like writing and I needed some space. To let things go. To clear my mind a bit.

The main reason I write is just for my own satisfaction. I don't mind not having any readers at all, but I know some of my friends do read everything I wrote here - which sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable (because that means I can't write anything personal lol), but that's okay. Once in a while I do like my thoughts and opinions to be read. :)

These last few months have been hectic, although I don't think 'hectic' is the suitable word to describe what I went through. 'One hell of a roller coaster ride' is much more suitable lol, but I might be exaggerating and maybe it's all only in my mind.

A few friends asked my housemates about me (thank you so much for asking, you know who you are), because they thought I was depressed. Haha. I may be retweeting all these depressing and suicidal tweets but trust me, I am not depressed at all. I am fine and I feel fine. I have no intention to kill myself or whatsoever. Not in a million years. I appreciate silence and I just like to be alone sometimes.

Yes, I have a lot of things going on in my head, but that doesn't make me depressed. I do feel sad when these specific thoughts come to my mind but it's okay. I'm used to be all alone and that's fine by me. :)

I don't want other people to feel what I feel. So I've always like to inspire people and give them motivational quotes just to cheer them up. But this past year made me realise that I am the one who needs to be fixed first. I need to get the pieces of my broken heart together before I can do that to anyone else.

I've been collecting every positive quote I found online, screenshoted and saved them in my gallery so that I can read them whenever I feel down. I don't know why but it's so easy to make me sad nowadays. :(

To all my friends,
I am sorry I was not there when you were sad. You have no idea how much I wanted to help, but I'm so bad at giving advices that I do not know how to console you, especially when I myself am drowning in my own thoughts. :(

I will, though, try to send out love and kindness whenever and wherever I can, because I want you to know that you're not alone.

Yours truly, who is struggling but not depressed,
Hanani x

Unexpected

I'm finally home! I was the last one in my house to leave Akasia, so it was really tiring to clean up everything in the house. To be honest, my legs still hurt from all the walking up and down the stairs, to recycle and carry things. I've never recycled so many plastic bottles and papers before!

A day before I left, my cousin came to see me to pass a few stuff. She told me that I must be really sad to be leaving Akasia, just like her when she left her matriculation. She said that before she left she remembered all the memories that happened. And so that is what I did. While waiting for my father to come and pick me up, I just sat on my bed, looked around and remembered every single thing since Sem 1.

Boy oh boy, I can still remember how I was so nervous for my first day of orientation week.

'What will happen?'

'Will they like me?'

'Am I going to fit in?'

'Can I do this?'

'Am I going to be okay?'

I remember how I wanted to go home so badly, how much I hated the place. Dah la orientation week waktu bulan puasa kan, lagilah.

It's funny how things work out. I didn't expect Tikah would be my roommate, and I didn't expect us to be this close. I barely knew her in our school days. Yeah of course, it was awkward in the first place, but surprisingly all of us - all four of us - got along really well.

Sem 1 taught us SO MUCH. It was the first time all of us were separated from our families, so somehow we learned how to survive together. It was already tough, having to learn new subjects and trying to fit in in new classes.

Sem 2 didn't start well. There were surprises that made me really sad. It ended well I think, as I became a part of a study group, which indirectly, they sort of become my closest friends. And there was our AS exam. Studying Economics at that time was like studying a foreign language. I did not understand so many topics. I didn't even know what I learned for the past year. Maka tak hairanlah result pun dapat macam tu lol.

Sem 3. Hmm. Not-so-happy sem either. Tears were everywhere (but then again we cried pretty much every sem lol). We lost many friends, including one of us, which sucked so bad, but it is for the best. Sem 3 was also the semester where we started to get busy. With personal statements to write, a lot of universities to survey and choose, university applications to apply and having to study for IELTS, it was no doubt that we were going to get awful results (and that resulted in JPA to question us why we got such results - sigh).

Sem 4. I repeated my Economics papers because I couldn't apply to universities with the results I got. When you're a government scholar and taking A Levels, even getting a B means you have to repeat, seriously. I'm not joking. There's nothing to be joking about when it comes to A Levels. You can always choose not to repeat, but it's better if you do. More chances, that way. Repeating papers also meant saying goodbye to our money, as one paper costs about £40 (depends on the subject). I had to pay £80, which were converted to about RM550, just for two papers. Haih.

And then there's A2 exam, of course. The period where I went, 'Holy crap, I'm finally taking my A2'. The period where I had mental breakdown just a few days before my Economics exams. That sucked. Haha.
All of my papers were during the holy month of Ramadhan, and I was so worried I might faint in the exam hall because most of my papers ended at 6 or 7pm (I've histories with exams and fasting), but alhamdulillah I didn't even feel dizzy. Mana tahu keberkatan tu ada pada bulan puasa. :')

The thought that we were seniors, and having to know that we were going to leave Intec is sad. All of us can't believe that the two-year period ended just like that. *snaps fingers* But most of all, I think, is that we didn't expect that the friends and lecturers we met would be precious. They are all beautiful gems.

And because of Intec, I learned uncountable lessons, where I don't think I can get them just anywhere. And also because of Intec, I've become a better person than I was two years ago. :')

Congratulations, Hanani, you just survived two years of A Levels. *claps hands* *pats self at the back*

Please remember us in your duas, and please pray that all of us will receive good news this upcoming August, inshaAllah. :)

Sorry for the long post, I tend to get carried away as I type. Haha.

A Walking Zombie

Assalamualaikummmmm!

Starting this week, we have this study group programme for the whole batch (juniors included) called 'Peer Coaching' where all the students are allocated into several groups and there'll be a leader for every group. (Hence the name Peer Coaching, get it?)

Anyway the level of tiredness just increased, tripled in fact. Peer Coaching ends at 5 or 6pm everyday compared to normal classes that usually end at 12 or 1pm (sometimes 4pm).

Our first Peer Coaching session started on Tuesday, and the subject was Accounting. I'm probably the lamest and most awkward leader ever existed in the universe, because I was so quiet and I didn't know what to say. *cries* I feel sorry for my friends. T___________T

Wednesday was the most tired day of all, most probably it involved two subjects for Peer Coaching - Economics and Statistics, AND the fact that it ended at 6pm.

The moment we reached home, most of us immediately fell asleep. Yes, we're THAT tired.

I don't usually sleep between Maghrib and Isyak, but this week I've done that twice. My plan was to study as usual (aceehhhhh as usual ke) and sleep early but I can't help but to sleep between those two times. *cries again*

Like the other day, I setted my alarm clock for another 15 minutes (kononnya nak study la after that *cough*), but I ended up waking an hour and 15 minutes later. HAHA. (Typical Hanani. Typical student.)

To be really honest, I feel like a walking zombie for this whole week.

Pack schedule, long classes, study groups, assignments, extra exercises, personal statements, recommendation letter, research for universities, studying for finals, studying for AS repeat papers (yes, there goes my allowance >.<) and studying for A2.

*takes a deep breath*

Oh yeah, and also my IELTS Speaking exam is on next Saturday and Sunday.

*takes a deeper breath*

All of that, plus the expectations from close relatives and teachers AND the pressure given by my parents.

*blows up*

Yesterday, I wanted to take a nap for 15 minutes (I don't know what's up with me and 15 minutes). After I lied on my bed for about less than three minutes, my phone rang and it was my mum. We talked for about half an hour I think, and the moment I hang up, my sleepiness was gone.

In a way, I felt fresh. I felt motivated to study. So I did, for three hours straight (not that straight, I did somehow end up scrolling Twitter when I was searching for answers LOL).

All I'm saying is, isn't it magical how you feel so tired and demotivated to study but all of those feelings disappear once you call your parents? All the stress, depression - gone (or at least reduced) in one single phone call.

Parents just have that kind of superpowers. They motivate us, keep our spirits up in any way they can.

But. That's the thing.

I'm scared.

I truly appreciate all the motivations given, but... *sigh*

Janganlah letak harapan tinggi sangat.

*cries even more*

Life So Far

Assalamualaikum, people.

How are you guys doing? Sorry for not updating. Been busy with A Levels. Not that busy, I mean, at least I'm not, and I regret that.

So I'm currently taking my AS exam. What is AS, you may be wondering? It's hard to explain, really. It even took me like, almost a semester to actually understand what AS really is. ^^' Briefly, AS is the half of A Levels.

I have five papers altogether for my AS - Economics Unit 1 and 2, Accounting Unit 1, Core Mathematics C12 and Statistics S1.

I probably have mentioned before (or not) that I was struggling with Economics, and I still am.

Thankfully, I've found my study group buddies (wait a minute, that sounds wrong, but I don't know what else to replace those words. Ahh faham2 lah kan.)

It all started when Atikah had a discussion with her friends, Amir and Amalin, at the library. I followed along because I wanted to study as well (although I rarely study at the library - the quietness and coldness make me want to sleep more rather than study, but the probability of sleeping if I stayed at Akasia for the whole day is higher, so might as well study at the library). Ainaa came with us too, so we sat in one table and Atikah and her friends in the table next to us. They were revising Economics, and I can hear Amir giving out tips and techniques on how to answer the questions. I was like, 'Nak tahu jugakkkkkkkk' and so I was eavesdropping. Haha.

Hanani and shyness cannot be separated, so yes of course I was shy to join them as I don't know Amir that much (never talked to him before), Atikah and Amalin actually had to drag me to sit with them. Haha.

So anyway, that is how our little study group started, later joined by Hanna, Aisyah (most of the time), Amani and our latest addition, Zethy. Our spot in the library is at the top floor (because not many students study there - lagi sikit orang, lagi kami suka haha).

Honestly, I'm so thankful for these guys, for our study group. It helped me a lot, especially in Economics (walaupun exam macam hmmmm tak sempat nak jawab habis jugak hmmm) but at least now I know what to write for my evaluation, and how to answer on specific topics.

And the best part is we're planning to continue to study together until A2 inshaAllah. :))

So back to my AS, I only have one paper left, Statistics, which is in two weeks. Haha. Exactly the main reason why I'm lying and relaxing on my bed, and typing this long blog post, because I don't know what else to do. Atikah is currently watching a movie (Hindustan, of course), Ainaa is studying for her Biology paper tomorrow, and Amani is at her sister's house, she's going back to Kedah tomorrow.

Man, can't believe I'm about to end my second semester, how time flies. I can still remember the time when I typed my end-of-first-semester post. Those were the times. *sigh* And when my next semester comes, I'll become the senior - yikes.

Oh, that reminds me. My housemates and I (minus Amani) applied to be PMs (Pemimpin Mahasiswa) for the orientation of Intec's new students. Told Mum about it and all she said was, 'Awak jangan nak buat muka masam sangat, senyum sikit'. I was like, 'Ye, tahu2'.

I've never actually realised how 'masam' my face looks like, until the other day (I think this happened about a month ago). I was in the bus, wanted to go back to Akasia and I was sitting alone. A guy (I don't know which programme he is from, but he didn't look familiar) got on the bus and I looked at him, he was looking at me too. He walked until my row but he didn't sit. The bus was almost full, so I assumed he wanted to take the empty seat next to me, but he didn't. And then I heard a girl talked to him (must be his classmate or something), saying things like 'Duduk jelah'. So obviously he didn't want to sit next to me because of my 'angry' look (I was also having kind of a bad mood on that day, I don't know why, it comes and goes) and he ended up standing, I think, or sitting at the back row (I didn't turn back to look so I didn't know).

Oh wow, what a post. Hahaha nampak sangat rindu nak menulis. :P Okay, peeps, sorry for the extremely long post, I'll update soon, I hope.

Good night and sweet dreams! (Or good morning as it's already 1. Haha.)

Updates

Assalamualaikum, peeps!

Sorry for not updating for such a long time. I didn't know what to write at first but now that it's been about two months, of course I have something.

Long story short [I've lots of assignments to do so I'm gonna make this short], my second semester so far is okay. My girls are still my housemates so we're absolutely thrilled about that, no doubt.

Since I dropped Psychology for this semester [because I want to focus on my Economics], my class timetable has many gaps. My housemates' have gaps too but not as many as mine. For example, on Monday I only have one class which is Economics from 2 to 4PM. Hahaha. So I can go to INTEC as late as 12PM. *grins* But I didn't because I'm afraid there will be no buses at 12.

Oh and also because we don't have any English class at all for this semester. At all. It's because they want us to focus more on our AS, so we'll have English class again next semester. But then that will just make our third semester a hectic one as we will also start applying for universities then. Haish.

What elseeeeeeeee.

Oh, new lecturers. I'm getting used to them and they're okay, I guess. Janji faham apa yang diajar.

Almost forgot about my new class! Since most of us dropped a subject and some didn't [like Atikah hahaha], our class changed. I'm no longer in Sedbergh, but in Staveley instead. So yeah, new class, new classmates. I'm getting used to them as well, and I sit next to Yaya and Shaz in class. It's not like I don't know all my new classmates, some of them are my classmates from last sem. So I guess that's okay.

Oh, and did I tell you that I volunteer to join a committee? It's a committee to plan a trip to FRIM. But that's a whole different story. I'll tell you about that later, I promise.

I guess that's it, for now. Okay, gotta go google about my Econs presentation. Byeeeeeeee! x

First Ramadhan

Assalamualaikum and hi! How are you doing?

So the holy month is almost over as tomorrow's Eid!!!!!!

Starting college and classes and fasting on Ramadhan without my family are tough. Yup. Because you have to do everything by yourself. Usually your parents would buy all the food and then when it's time to break fast, all the food are prepared and all you have to do is wash your hands and get ready to eat.

Ha ha ha ha. Of course, it's not like that once you're in college/ university. Not. At. All.

However, I'm grateful that the bazaar is just outside our residence. That way we don't have to walk far just to buy food. Speaking about food, we'd have to survey all the prices first and buy the food that we think the prices are cheap or okay for us students. Like, the cheapest I've bought is rice porridge which is only RM3. There are also Nasi Ayam RM4.50, Nasi Lemak Kukus Ayam RM5 and Nasi Tomato RM4. Ok lah kan harganya kannnnnnn.

But of course after like a week maybe [?], we started rotating the food and mulalah jemu. Sampai akhir-akhir bulan Ramadhan memang dah tak tahu nak beli apa as those are the only food that are cheap to us.

Until there's this one day, all four of us are clueless about what to buy, so we decided to order pizza! Hahahahahah. We ordered the box set and we talked while breaking fast and once we've realised it - the food is all gone! Hahaha.

About the classes, I don't feel tired in classes as there's air conditioner so I don't feel very hot. But to walk to the bus and from the bus to the residence are really huhhhhhhhhhh. As soon as I reached our rooms, I was like, "Thank God!!!"

Okay, I think I better stop here. I've assignments to do and I want to finish them before Eid started, if I can. But I also have to prepare for my Economic's presentation after raya and arghhhhhh. I just don't like presentations. I don't like people looking and staring at me. I just don't like to talk in front of people.

But I guess I just have to deal with it.

Wish me luck and happy Eid!!!!!

Turning Point

Assalamualaikum.

So... *coughs* Looks like I'm not going to UIA after all. Just forget about everything that I told you about me going to UIA, okay?

Alhamdulillah, I got MARA-JPA. I know, right? Like, whattttttttt?

It was about 12 a.m. and I just turned off the TV after watching Monsters University [hehe, best!]. I left my phone in my room so I didn't know that Alissa WeChat-ed me, telling me that MARA-JPA's results are out. I quickly opened the website and typed my I.C number. I was actually expecting a sentence like 'Maaf, permohonan anda tidak berjaya' or something like that as the interview didn't go so well.

But instead, I saw 'Tahniah, anda berjaya ditawarkan tawaran seperti berikut:'. I literally dropped my jaws in front of my phone. Of course, I couldn't believe my eyes! So I opened my laptop and take a look again at the site as I need a bigger view. Haha.

I replied to Alissa's WeChat and it turns out that she got it too! The same course and place as well! Haha. So yeah I was smiling and grinning waktu tu. I also did a little dance in front of my sister. Haha. She told my mum who was actually sleeping at the time and after that, she couldn't sleep at all. XD

Alissa sent me an audio saying, "Yay, Nani, yayyyyyyyy". Hahahaha.

After I saw the offer, I thought that I wouldn't have to go PNB Scholarship's Ujian Bertulis. They called me about 6 pm on last Wednesday and asked whether I could go to Bukit Mertajam to take their test. At first, I was like, 'Yeah, sure, why not?'. But now that I got MARA-JPA, I thought that I don't have to go.

But my aunt advised me to go, just for the experience. She said that PNB is better than MARA-JPA because they offered a job straight away after finishing our studies. So yeah, I did go there, on 26th of May, on a Monday. It was reallyyyyyy tough, although they're only objective questions. And guess what? I forgot to bring my 2B pencils and calculator. Way to go, Hanani! T-T Nasib baik mereka ada sediakan pensel 2B dan nasib baik juga pegawai PNB tu baik hati sanggup pinjamkan kalkulator dia. Huhu. ~.~

So for now I'd accept the MARA-JPA offer while waiting for PNB's result. Although there is a slightttttt chance I'd get through to the next step as they only want 20-30 students to send to the UK.

And looks like all of my friends are not going to UIA. Well, all of them except for Aireen. Zalikha and Fatin Illya got MARA. A few of my ex-classmates in Form 5 - Tikah got MARA-JPA and Afini got MARA. Woahh, ramai juga yang dapat. Hehe.

I'm sorry that we have to leave you, Aireen! T.T Good luck and study smart at UIA, okay? Jadilah Gabenor Bank Negara! [Although I want to be that too. Haha.]

Till then. Toodles! :)

A Bit Of Preparation

Assalamualaikum.

So there are about two weeks before I'll go to PJ for registration and so far, my suitcase is still empty. Don't get me wrong, I already did make some preparations - but I put them a huge box to gather up all the things first. I repeat - a HUGE box - and that doesn't include food, drinks, plates and bowls, forks and spoons, shoes etc. Ughh.

Since this is going to be my first time living in a hostel and being away from my family, so yes, I'm going to bring pretty much everything I need. Duhh, the university is going to be my second home, after all.

I did tell you about my cousins who went to UIA, kan? Well, they're pretty excited. When I asked questions about the U to one of my cousins, she was like, "Awak punya pasal lah ni, dah rindu dah kat UIA."

My aunts pun kept reminding things that I need to bring. At first, I thought it'd be better if I bring a HUGE suitcase but my aunt said that a bit smaller would be okay as it'd be easier to carry it if my room is on the 8th or 9th floor [in case the lift is full - because usually it is]. Tapi kalau boleh tak naklah bilik atas-atas sangat. >.<

To be honest, I'm half excited and half scared to go to UIA. Excited because I can't wait to learn! Accounts, Economics and Mathematics pula tu! I'm also excited because I'll be meeting new friends, new lecturers, new environment, new food [ahem, hopefully]. Scared because anything in the world could happen to me but hopefully pelajar-pelajar UIA baik-baiklah ye. ^_^

Soon I'll be missing my mum's cooking, my comfortable bed and pillows, the TV, my family [duh] and also the fact that I can't watch and check my sister's works is a bit sad. T-T

Also I'll miss my home's WiFi, because I heard that UIA's WiFi is reallyyyyyyy slowwwwww. T____T

My mum would sometimes remind me to be a bit tough dan jangan lembut-lembut sangat. Kalau orang minta tolong iron baju, cakap je tak boleh [sekali-sekala tak apalah, tapi jangan selalu sangat.] Nanti tak pasal-pasal kena buli. Because according to my cousin, "Hanani ni kan pendiam, lemah-lembut sikit macam gadis Melayu terakhir".

Ahem.

I am not though, trust me. Not at all.

Will write about this some other time. Later!

P.S.: I was thinking about changing my background - but that means I'll have to change my header too. Ugh I don't have time to do both! Apasal lah pergi buat header matching dengan background. T_T

IIUM, Here I Come!

Assalamualaikum.

So, I guess you can pretty much know about what I'm going to write from the title, kan?

UPU was released yesterday at 12 o'clock noon, but I was at the store with my mum, shopping for shirts and pants. So I used SMS and it says that I got Programme Y0200 at UIA. I was glad because I already expected that I'll get UIA since my 6 out of 8 choices are programmes at UIA. Haha.

But Y0200? What programme is that? I didn't remember which programmes has which codes so I was a bit worried that I'll get programmes like Asasi Farmasi or Kejuruteraan. Although Pharmacy is okay, but I prefer Accounts more.

So as soon as I got home, I sat in front of the laptop and quickly wanted to check what programme, but it was raining quite heavily at that time so the internet was reallyyyyy slowwwww. So, feeling a bit pissed, I turned off the laptop and ate lunch because I was so starving. Haha.

Later, I opened my WeChat and saw Alissa wrote 'UIA'. I commented, 'Same!' and she asked me what course, I said I've no idea and told her the programme's code. She was like, 'Yayyyyyyy samaaaaaaa. Asasi Ekonomi dan Sains Pengurusan.'

After I read her comment, I shouted a bit. lol Yeah, excited la kan ada geng. :3 And it turns out Zalikha, Aireen and Fatin Illya got the same course as me. *high five*

But then, there's MARA-JPA. Ahhhhh what if I got the scholarship? Then I'd have to leave UIA. Hmmm, I was a bit worried if I got it though. Cepatlah keluar keputusan MARA-JPA.

Anyways, my first choice of university is UM, but since there's no Asasi for Accounting, then UIA lah is the answer. Alhamdulillah, I got the course I wanted. :)

So for new enrolled UIA students, we'd have to take English Test, Arabic Test, Tilawah Test and Fardhu Ain. Haha. Takut la pula since I don't have any Arabic skills and I'm shy to recite in front of people as my recitation is not that good. Four of my cousins used to go to UIA [I know, ramai kan XP], so I asked one of them about the tests and at first I thought I don't have to take the Arabic Test as I don't have any Arabic skills but she said all the tests are compulsory. I'm doomed. Haha.

So since the registration date is less than a month from now, I'd have to use the time I have to study a bit about Arabic and practice my English pronunciation as well as my recitation. I know that I can't answer most of the Arabic Test questions, tapi yang penting kita usaha, betul?

One more thing, bagus juga masuk UIA ni, we get to cover our aurah properly [which of course, including our feet] and all the clothes must be loose. Plus, we get to learn Arabic, which will makes us understand Quran even more. Hopefully masuk UIA ni will make me become a better person.

I'm looking forward to the registration day, tapi takutlahhhhh Ta'aruf Week. Harap-harap dapat satu dorm dengan kawan-kawan.

Good luck and all the best to every single one of you! Sungguh tak percaya kita semua nak masuk U dah. Hmm tetiba sedih. All these years I've been going in and out of school, I didn't realize those times are precious.

Nanti mana tahu, tup tup, sesiapa kahwin pula. Wakakaka.

P.S.: Almost forgot, Happy Mother's Day to the world's coolest mum! I'm sure going to miss your cooking and cakes soon. T-T

Our MAG

Assalamualaikum.

On the 23rd of April, I went to my school at Jitra because of Majlis Anugerah Gemilang [but we call MAG for short]. As usual, I became very nervous as this is my first time going to school since Form 5 ended [I was absent on the results day due to my dad's sprained ankle]. Even my mum was nervous because she kept reminding me that I've no suitable baju kurung to wear and that we should buy new ones.

So we did. I was so lazyyyyyyyyy to go out [especially when it comes to shopping - tapi shopping buku tak apa haha]. We went to multiple boutiques and stores because my mum is a bit cerewet when it comes to clothes. She wanted to buy baju kurung that is a bit plain dan susah nak kedut [because she said that wearing baju kurung that is easy to kedut is a big no-no - especially that I'm going to be on stage]. After about an hour or two, we finally bought two baju kurungs, and they're both pink.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, pink.

Both are not the same colour though. One is pink and the other is a combination of pink and purple. But still, you can tell it's pink.

Finally, the big day came and my mum made two cakes for the teachers [satu kek sesi pagi, satu kek sesi petang]. As soon as we arrived, my mum and sister brought the cakes to the bilik guru and I immediately went to the hall because I was 30 minutes late! I finally found my seat and I sat next to Alissa. Everyone was like, "Hi, Nani!" [okay lah, not everyone] and I chatted with Alissa, Siti and Zalikha for a while.

To be honest, last year's MAG is way meriah and fun. I don't know why they didn't even put the decorative lights this year. Mana aci. Mentang-mentanglah tahun ni tak ada student yang dapat straight A+.

I went home as soon as I received my award. I was a bit sad that I can't stay for a bit longer [because they already make plans to go to Tutti Frutti after MAG]. Anyway, my mum told me that she bumped into my Accounts teacher when she and my sister were on their way to bilik guru earlier. My teacher asked my mum what course do I want to take and when my mum answered, "Accounting", my teacher laughed. She said she remembered that there was a student that kept looking at her when she was teaching. Her exact words [according to my mum]: "Saya hairanlah, kenapa dengan budak ni, asyik tengok orang. Esok-esok tu baru dia beritahu dia nak ambil Akaun. Saya pun terimalah, dengan syarat tengok keputusan Pertengahan Tahun."

I was like, what?! My teacher noticed that I've been staring at her teaching Accounts?!

Hahahahahahahaha ok malu sat.

Seriously, sayang sangat kat cikgu Akaun. The way she explains and helps her students. Cikgu Akaun ni jugalah yang paling rajin buat kelas tambahan. The other teachers buat kelas tambahan untuk kelas kami sekali-sekala. But there must be at least one Accounts extra class per week. Sebab tu la bersemangat sangat bila ada kelas Akaun. Muehehe.

There was one time when my Accounts teacher was absent in about a month [or was it two?] because she was sick. I don't know whether it was fever or anything but I think it's pretty serious as she was in her MCs that long. Not anyone knows why. So when she was gone, our Accounts class was combined with the next class and... well, I don't understand what their teacher is teaching. The teacher's teaching style was different. She just stood in front of the class, explaining [without using the whiteboard] and gives us exercises. Believe me, not even my friends understand her. I was worried about my Mid-Year results. But eventually I managed to understand [just a bit] and we were all so glad when our teacher came back. We were like, "CIKGUUUUUUUU, KAMI RINDU CIKGU. CIKGU, TAK FAHAM. CIKGU, TOLONG EXPLAIN. CIKGU, MACAM MANA NI." So yeah. Probably the worst month.

But please don't misunderstand. I love all the teachers as well. <3

Sorry, no pictures of us at MAG though. I'm not a fan of taking pictures, usually my sister is the one who takes loads of pictures, but during MAG she was at KFC with her friends. The camera was in my sling bag the whole time but I was too shy to take it out and take pictures of the stage etc. If you haven't notice, there's not a single picture of me in this blog.

After I received the award, my mum asked did I take pictures, and when I answered no, she took the camera and took pictures of me with Siti, Dhana, Insyirah and my Accounts teacher. But no, I'm not going to put them here though.

Don't get me wrong. Everyone was beautiful. I'm ugly. I turned out ugly in most pictures so that's why.

Syukur Again

Three successes in a week. At first I thought it was impossible.

But no. It was possible, alright.

With Allah's will, anything can happen.

I feel so blessed. Thank you so much, Allah.

Also not to forget, thank you very much to everyone I know, for giving support and advices when I need them the most.

May Allah bless all of you.

Syukur

Assalamualaikum.

I just realized how Allah can take something from us just in a split second. I know this probably sounds cliche, but I just realized this.

My dad was a bit unfortunate the other day when he went hiking at Cameron Highlands and the ligaments in his left leg are torn, so for now he'd have to walk using crutchers.

So long story short, he has a sprained ankle but at least his leg isn't broken. That could've been much worse though, alhamdulillah.

Because of this, nowadays he'd take time to walk, as using crutchers is still new to him, and sometimes when he wants to sit on a chair, he struggles a bit and would sometimes wanted to fall but didn't, and all of us were like, half-screaming and reaching our hands out to catch him.

Every single thing that my dad wants to do, we'd have to be there to help him.

And seeing him like that just makes me sad.

It made me realized how just because of that leg, it affects our daily lives and couldn't do our daily routine well.

Maybe this is how Allah wanted me to realize about this and how we should be grateful for every tiny little thing. Like right now, I'm grateful for these fingers that I have, because it helps me to type this post! Yes, I may have small and sweaty fingers but that's okay, I should be grateful just because I have fingers.

Oh, and also because of my dad's leg, I won't be coming to Jitra to take my result this Thursday. Yes, I'm kind of sad, that I couldn't meet my classmates and teachers but I'm sure there's something good in this.

So this Thursday when all candidates of SPM 2013 are gathering at their own schools' halls, I'll be at home, anxious waiting for my result through text or my friends.

Reading my classmates' comments about this Thursday, about how they said that they're hoping all of us get straight As, somehow I feel a bit determined and enthusiastic.

Yeah, 5 Amethyst boleh! :)

P.S.: I've passed my QTI. The same pakcik judged me but somehow he started chatting with me when I started driving and I felt a bit calm. Lastly he asked me, "Kenapa hari tu hang tak bawa kereta macam ni?" Hahaha. Alhamdulillah so much!

P.S.S.: Currently reading an Islamic History novel about Khalid bin Walid written by Abdul Latip Talib, just to calm my mind. Such a great novel and I'm looking forward to buy other Islamic novels by this author. :D Sungguh, sangat kagum dengan Khalid bin Walid dan keberaniannya. I think reading novels like this one is a great way for me to know about our dear beloved Islamic figures.

Tawakal

Assalamualaikum.

Just like what you read in the news and newspapers, SPM results will be out on this Thursday [20/3], and I, of course, as one of the candidates, couldn't help but to be scared too.

One thing I learn about confidence is, be confident but not too confident.

Why?

When I was in Standard 6, I couldn't remember whether it was my Mid-Year or my monthly exams, I was so confident that I will get an A in Science. Very confident, because I thought most of my answers are correct. But it turns out I got 78, just two more marks to get an A.

I was so dissapointed, and I cried. Haha, yes. It sounds funny now that I remember it.

So since that day, I told myself that in every examination, I should be confident but not too confident. Alaa, you know, like, "I could get an A in this subject, but no, I could also get a B."

Don't get it? Haiyo, it's so hard to explain.

Like, you are positive about your results, but at the same there are negative thoughts. However, the positive thoughts are much more than the negative ones. Therefore, your mind is positive, although there are also negative in it.

Hahaha. Baik punya explanation, Nani. -.-

Anyways, what I'm trying to write is that when I was about to get my UPSR and PMR results five and two years ago, I was pretty confident because I know I did my absolute best.

But this time? No, I am not as confident as I used to be.

Because somehow I feel like I didn't try my very best. Another reason is I know my answers are pretty much crap and I did make a few silly mistakes, so yeah.

I tried a few times before to tell my parents that my result may not be as good as they think but I just didn't know how to put it.

I finally managed to tell them and their reactions are [including my sister's because she was there as well]:

Mum: Insha Allah, kakak boleh. Tak ada apa-apalah.

Sister: Kakak mesti boleh dapat punya, lainlah kalau adik ni. [Alahai, rendah diri pula adik saya seorang ni.]

My dad kept quiet at first, and I thought it's because he didn't know what to say, as he's not very talkative, but later he said: Tak apa, jangan risau. ILP sentiasa ada.

T__________T

I appreciate the supportive words tapi kalau dapat yang ________, macam mana?

T_______________________________T

*speechless*

Right now, I can only hope for the best. The positive thoughts that I have now is I can get the good results that I've always wanted. If everyone can do it, so can I. But if my results are not so good, maybe Allah wants me to push harder during Matrix or in university. Kan? ^^

Since yesterday, if I ever bring up about this topic to my mum, she'd say, "Tak payah sebut la. Sakit perut dah ni."

We've studied hard, we've worked hard, we pray and pray and now, tawakal sajalah.

The Target

Assalamualaikum.

About a week ago, I was told by my mother that my relatives are coming down to Taiping and of course, they would drop by at my house.

Once I heard that, I just knew - I KNEW - that I'm going to be the target.

To be honest, I've been the target since Eid.

And I still am.

Yesterday, we gathered at my aunt's house - just a bit of eating and chit chat. I was sitting in the kitchen with my sister when my mother called us to sit in the living room. When my aunt heard that, she was like, "Yes, go to the living room, go."

So I did.

And you know what happened?

My three uncles were at the living room, with my mother and father, together with my aunts. The three uncles asked me many questions like,

"Result SPM keluar bila?" This one is easy. Duhh, bulan tiga lah.

"Lepas ni nak pergi mana?"

"Nak ambil course apa nanti?"

"Nak jadi apa?"

"Nak masuk universiti kat oversea ke?"

And well, many more. My answers were more to like, "Tak tahulah, tengoklah dapat kat mana nanti."

When they heard that, they said, "Mana boleh! Kena target kita nak masuk mana. Don't follow what your parents want you to be. Follow your own dreams."

Then they started talking about the degree, diploma, matrix, that kind of stuffs. They kind of talked at once and I don't know who to look at and what to do. It was awkward for me. Really awkward.

I just smiled and nodded and grinned and smiled and nodded and grinned and said, "Ahhhh" and "Hmmmm". Kononnya fahamlah.

The eating part was over but the talking part was not. I thought I could escape by bringing the plates and glasses to the kitchen but one of my uncles just kept talking and talking and I don't even know what he was saying so I just smiled and nodded. It would be rude to go to the kitchen when my uncle was talking to me so I just sat there, pretending to hear what he said.

You think it's over? NO, IT'S NOT.

Then they started talking about English and my communication skills.

My uncle said, "If you have no English, then you have no way!" Wise words, I've to admit. He said it with much enthusiasm, so I was bit startled.

My other uncle said that most of graduates nowadays don't have a job because of their weakness in English and he said that I should speak English more. Now THAT is my main problem. Yes, I know, I'm writing this post in English but that is what I can do. I write, not speak. Speaking English is quite difficult for me. Tulis tu tak hairanlah, semua orang boleh tulis.

So he suggested to me a few ways to improve my pronunciation - watch the English news and hear carefully the way the newscaster pronounce the words and reading the News Straits Times newspaper. Watching movies and reading novels can help too, of course.

After that, we went to a restaurant to eat dinner so I'm so glad to be able to end the long conversation.

In the car, on the way to the restaurant, my father laughed and said, "Looks like someone has been attacked tonight."

Sigh. But it's a good thing, right? That means they care about me.